Kayley Chun

Did you know, Sol?

Childhood friends
Unforgettable memories
Unspoken and spoken promises
We promised we would always be together
On the day pebbles were shining
Under the bright sun

Sometimes I wish I never knew.
I wish I never discovered what it was to love
But maybe the moment I met you
When we were kids,
It was doomed for me.
Maybe I was always in love with you
And I just noticed.
Either way,
I wish I didn’t have to realize it like this.

It was your special day.
Yours is a little ahead of mine
By a few months.
You had a party full of friends and people
I didn’t know.
But you were always like that.
Always the spotlight, the main star, the Sun.
You pulled people into you
Like it was magic.
That day, you weren’t yourself.
You had a smile across those flushed cheeks
While you danced with me
On the balcony of your house.
Our little moment away from everyone else.

But it was as if nothing happened
The next day.
You set your boundaries and created a line
That shouldn’t be crossed.
You moved on like yesterday didn’t matter.
Was it foolish of me to be feeling hurt?

We promised to be together but we knew
It couldn’t always be like that.
I wanted to leave with you,
But I knew I couldn’t
I just didn’t want it to be true.
But you still left
And promised me that we would always be together.

At first nothing changed.
The time difference was difficult,
But we still called or sent messages wherever we could.
We still knew each other.
And then it started to change.
You seemed to be making more friends I didn’t know
And enjoying your time.
But every call still ended with “best friend.”

The first time I got rejected
Was when you moved on
And the second time was when you ignored it.
The truth is even after two years,
I still remember the song that played
While we danced under the starry night
And the secret we shared.
But when I tried to spit out these feelings
Deep inside of me,
You ignored it.
Sometimes I wonder why I still held on to the sun
If all it did was burn me.

After coming back from visiting,
I found another person who I loved.
Someone who didn’t hurt every time I held their hand,
Looked into their eyes,
Or held them.
But deep down I wasn’t over you.
I couldn’t let you go and they knew.
After being together and being their first date,
First kiss, first love, and first heartbreak,
They let me go.
It wasn’t fair to them to keep waiting for something
That wasn’t going to happen.
But I loved them. I really did. I’ll never forget them
And I’ll always be sorry.

We had a fallout after the second time
I got rejected.
We didn’t call anymore
And it was uncomfortable now.
You said you needed time,
And I needed to mend.
So we gave each other space,
And during that time I met the person I loved
But not in the same way I did love you.
Then it starts again.
It still goes unaddressed
But I have you back now
So nothing else matters.

I knew I never had you,
But the day you found me,
Eyes wide with a blossoming smile,
I got rejected a third time.
You found someone you wanted to spend
Your entire life with.
Maybe that day
I lost a piece of myself.
But more importantly
I lost you.

They say you never really get over your first love.
I think I get it now.
The uncontrollable fondness whenever I see you,
The way every word fits right with you,
The way I know everything about you,
The way I always knew it was you.
I never really got over you
No matter how hard I tried.
Yet here I am
Even after knowing you are gone
And in the arms of someone you love,
Still mending over my first heartbreak.

For several years,
My heart never moved on
From that one dance.
I always wonder, did you know?
But unspoken words
And unspoken promises
Lead to missed opportunities.
So tell me, did you know, Sol?

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